When I titled this blog, I almost shit myself. An entire decade of working on my body? Me, at 148 pounds thinking I needed to lose ten more? Me, at 260 pounds thinking I’d never be able to lose anything? Me, at 181 pounds thinking that I couldn’t be uglier? This body, and this mind, has been through a roller coaster. In 2020, I had a genuine love for the body I was in. I got rid of a scale, and the constant fear of what “number” I was going to be. As 2021 begins, I know that I’m going to continue to push my body to be healthy, and I want to slim down, and I want to continue to love myself, without even knowing the number… In order to understand my body now, we need to understand where my body was.
In 2011, I was 260 pounds. At 18 years old, I was content with how I looked. Growing up, being the big girl, it was… me. My friend Natalie asked me to workout with her, and the first week had me lasting about 15 minutes in the gym. 15 became 30, which became 45, and then 60. As my minutes in the gym increased, my weight decreased. By 2013, I’d had lost 100 pounds. I was spending about 2 hours in the gym each day. I was eating about 1100 calories. And then, it all fell apart.
I wasn’t happy with being 160 pounds. And my eating disorder began. Anything I did, was number oriented. My weight, the calories I ate, the calories I burned, and the amount of time in the gym each day. This disordered eating pattern lasted until about 2018, and in 2019 my depression erased my disordered eating and replaced that spot in my brain…
From about 2013-2015, I stayed around 150 pounds. In 2015, I moved out and gained about twenty pounds, and was still small for my size (since I’m about 5’7″). 2016-2018 was much of the same, I’d hover between 175-180, gaining and losing on a roller coaster of pain. It’d be this constant “if I could lose five pounds I’d be happy”, and I’d get on the scale four times a day. In 2019, I gained nearly thirty pounds, filled with anger at my reflection, topping out around 210, and just generally sad with my existence.
In 2020, I was determined to lose weight and get back to 160-ish. L-O-freaking-L. A global pandemic made me sit at home, where I sat on a couch. It closed the gym, and killed 100% of my motivation. I did end up losing weight in 2020, I can tell in the way my clothes fit, but it was not nearly fifty pounds.
In my decade of my weight roller coaster, I learned a few things… Eating less, working out more, giving myself grace, and knowing that a bad day of eating doesn’t mean all progress is lost. This alone, will help me to be successful in 2021. Will I lose that fifty pounds and be back to my skinniest, ever? Hell. No. Can I potentially lose a few pants sizes, eat less, drink more water, and love myself regardless? Hell. Yes.
So, in the words of Taylor Swift… “It’s the end of a decade, but the start of an age”… The age of Jen’s Thirties, where she’s got a hot body, and she’s in her prime. Let’s do this.