February 2021 Lifestyle

Learning To Be Myself

This is a weird post, but I’ve always been overly vulnerable on the internet, so why not continue… right? I’ve made it abundantly clear that 2020 was the best year of my life, while simultaneously falling apart in the last third, and then 2021 started with a bang…. The bang was my world hitting rock bottom, but that was another post. In the three weeks since what I’d describe as “the worst of the worst”, I’ve weirdly found “home” within myself, and it’s been pretty incredible.

Growing up, I’d spend Sundays at church, like clockwork. In middle & high school, it was Sunday nights at Youth Group. After graduation, I’d spend occasional Sundays either at church, or attending worship at a private college. Regardless, God has been the center of my “growth”. I’ve always been overly vocal about relationship vs. religion, and how I feel like your beliefs are on you, and not within the church and not in what the Bible states as “rules”…

In the last few months, as I’d get lower and lower, I’d be able to feel the presence of something working in my life, but it wasn’t giving me what I thought I needed. Enter, spirituality. A couple weeks ago, I visited a crystal shop with a friend. I’d been somewhere on spiritual tik tok, and kept feeling like something was calling me to learn more about it. So, into the crystal shop I went, with no expectations, but a desire to learn. Immediately, the worker said “go where your intuition tells you”, and there’s this feeling that welled up in the pit of my stomach, guiding me through the store. It was incredible. I bought Rose Quartz, Amathyst, Blue Calcite, and Lazer Quartz. I also bought sage, to sage my apartment at a later day, and a book called “Be Here Now” by Ram Dass. (This book is getting it’s entirely own post because it’s changed my entire life)

As I read “Be Here Now”, I kept being reminded of this blue stone. Over and over and over. Every single day. So I went back to the crystal shop, and bought it. It’s purpose? To connect you to your spirit guides, and help you reach enlightenment. Woah. So, I’m a crystal person now.

It’s weird, because if you don’t believe in spirituality, maybe it doesn’t mean anything to you, but I’m watching it happen in real time, and it’s literally bananas. I buy a Rose Quartz, which has the properties to help you achieve self-love, and to hear from people you love. I’m not saying that doors have been opened since, but… yes I am. I’m literally saying that. People are entering my life, differently than before, and I’m loving myself differently too. I also saged my apartment, which carried a lot of negativity from me hitting rock bottom, and truly maybe even from the previous owner, who knows. And ya’ll. I swear to you, after doing that, I could physically feel myself become lighter, I could feel the sunshining brigther inside. A connection was re-established, in a different way, and it was so negatively impacted prior to saging and having these crystals, that I just feel like things are working towards my greater good, and things are just making sense. I get it, it’s wild… rocks?! changing your life? I mean, no, but also, yes.

I do have a lot of other spirituality based things to talk about, from reading Be Here Now, but I want to do a little more practicing on the things Ram Dass talks about in the book, before letting everyone in on that perfect piece of literature.

One of the spiritual things I’ve done since losing her, and those who know me, know this is very prominent, but I’ve always looked for signs in my life from my Grandma. On the old blog, I’d talk about Grandma Colleen helping me, always in the form of the orange butterfly. And I’ve always seen the signs when I’ve asked for them. In fact, I’ve asked for signs for two things lately. One was the other week, and I said “if this is meant to be, send me the orange butterfly by Sunday”, and then I let it go and don’t think about it. I was sitting and changing my phone background and theme one day, searching “white beige aesthetic” on Pinterest. White. Beige. After about three scrolls is a mauve background, with a ton of orange butterflies. Right there, in my face, confirmation. I did it again this past Sunday. I needed to know, post-sage, if I’m supposed to continue with something that I’ve had on my mind lately. Right now, it’s Tuesday, so we’ll see if the butterfly shows up before Friday! (These signs are not new. The butterflies helped guide me to Indy from Des Moines, guided me through a divorce, through heartbreak, through finding a new apartment, and making plenty of life decisions. I have no doubt that Grandma Colleen is there in everything I do.

I’ve just noticed, not only after saging, but visiting the crystal shop,that I genuinely feel like things are making sense. I’m not waking up with a sense of dread (and also thank you Cymbalta), but with happiness again, and it’s carrying over into my life. I’m having more meaningful conversations, and I’ve opened myself up to new possibilities. (Like, side note. I’m terrified of doing things wrong, and I’ve started DoorDashing to make extra money… And it’s actually kind of fun and I’m not terrible at it, but normally I wouldn’t do it because of the fear of failure or missing out on something better…) I’m spending time with people, and going to the gym, and making sure to take my power back and hold steady on it. Hitting rock bottom really sucked, and picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together seemed impossible at first, but this new little journey is so fun.

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