Today I wanted to get a little bit candid with you. Lately I’ve had a lot of people (this is an actual fact, not an influencer tactic) ask me about my mental health. Specifically, someone from high school said that I was “so strong” after getting divorced. One of Dylan’s ex-girlfriend’s messaged me saying that I looked “so happy”. Someone who is a huge part of my life said that the responses I was giving was showing how much “growth I had lately”. Another person in public commented on my outfit cause it was the first time in a long time I’d worn a “full shirt”. (Cause mama finally loves her body, and lives the crop top lifestyle) And it all got me thinking… It didn’t take one rock bottom to get here. It took two.
You see, in about November 2019, I’d hit rock bottom. That was when Dylan left, and I wasn’t really in love anymore. I felt like we loved each other, but our “in love” had expired. I didn’t want to fail, and I’d been worried about it. My body was in it’s worst shape in a decade. I’d felt lost, and just hid who I was in sweatpants, in bed, as much as possible. Actually, I had tried to get an apartment back in the summer, because I was prepared to get divorced, but it didn’t come to fruition. That’s when Dylan said he stopped loving me, when I tried to leave the first time. Colorado was a God send, because it basically gave me an out, when I was at my lowest, and I took it. So, for a few months, I swam in the dark, deep, loneliness that was rock bottom, and in January after our papers were signed, I started growing.
I lost weight, and dressed like it, wearing my first crop top of my life, and never turning back. I hung out with friends, met new people, and fell “in love”. I thought the world was sunshine and rainbows, and I didn’t think it could get better. Though, I was in a secret relationship, riddled with red flags on both sides. I let my anxiety consume me because I didn’t want to be medicated. I didn’t take care of my body, even if it was in a crop top, and had perhaps the most toxic best friend on the planet earth (shoutout to you homie, how’s Sun King?). So, how sunny was my world, really?
By October, the sun had faded, and my world was filled with a lot of lonely. I’d pushed away friends, pushed away medication, pushed away anything that wasn’t the man I’d spent most of the year loving, and tried to use said man as a coping mechanism. It didn’t work. I was unhappy with just about everything in my life, and I pretended time and time again, that my world was whole. “Everything’s greaattttt. Look at my fun life”, I’d say, and then go home to my empty apartment, where my dogs would just never stop barking, and I’d cry myself to sleep regardless if that man was next to me or not…
By January, I was lower than my divorce. I had to take a hard look at my world. I was unhappy because I’d put all this effort into a relationship that wasn’t going to happen. I was unhappy because I worked in a toxic environment, that I secretly let destroy me, while I tried to fit in. I was unhappy, because anxiety and depression alters your brain, and medication helps balance that, so I was unbalance… I was unhappy, because it was a rollercoaster pushing away friends, pulling them in, doing it repeatedly and I was tired. I’m sure they were too. I got to a point, where I wasn’t with the man, didn’t have the job, ran out of friends, and just thought- this is it, I’m over this. I was so low, I was going to sell everything, drive home to Minnesota, and just give up.
I didn’t though.
I spent five days being sad, letting rock bottom consume me. I ate three McDoubles in five days, & that was it. I didn’t get out of bed. My face was in constant pain from the tear stained cheeks. It could not get any worse, I was at rock bottom, forty miles from the rock bottom I’d been at a year prior. I was so low. Then I got up.
Laying at rock bottom feels good for approximately five minutes. The rest of the time you’re down there, it’s like this lingering pain that you hate, but can’t figure out how to erase. I started taking my medicine. Cymbalta. Full transparency, it’s going to be something I’ll need to take for the rest of my life. Dylan used to shame me for needing it, until he did too, then he realized like many people do, that not all brains work correctly and that’s okay. I started talking to my friends again. Every single day. I talk to them still, nearly constantly. I have a group message with Mae & Paige that goes no more than two hours without content in it. I think it’s partially accountability for our own mental health, to have a constant Rolodex of information, to keep us all sane. I started eating again, and working out, and gaining weight back (LOL). I stopped sitting in my broken heart, sewed that bitch up, and opened it up to the possibility for a future filled with love.
Life isn’t fucking easy.
Lord knows, I haven’t been through anything overly traumatic in the past two years… But maybe, my lack of conventional trauma, doesn’t mean I haven’t suffered.
And in February, life wasn’t sunshine. It was hurricanes, painful changes, and a lot of darkness.
And in March, it was cloudy. Some bright spots, but they were few and far between.
But in April, I was met with some “partly cloudy” conditions. Some days were sun filled, and some were dark.
May though, it’s been pretty damn sunny.
Life is full of ups and downs. The important thing, is to find what brings far more ups, that the downs don’t make you hit rock bottom. I wake up, happy. Shitty moments happen, but there’s more happiness than not, and holy shit it’s nice to finally feel that way…
I have a tribe who supports me, constantly. Best friends, family, man friend, etc… I’m building for my future, and looking at the way that I can do more, be better, and find success in the unconventional.
Most importantly, I lead with love, in everything I do. I’ve manifested this world filled with love, and unicorns, and butterflies, and I’m looking down at this “happy” I thought I was last year at this time. That happy, and this happy, have no comparison. Which, is insane to me, let me add.
I’m looking forward to the time where this happy, is being looked down on, but I don’t know how it gets much better than this.
Thank you Mom & Dad, Jason & Lindsey, my four best friends, and the human who is currently keeping me smiling. I appreciate you all. Thank you to anyone from high school, college, the YMCA, or any place I’ve lived since, that keeps in touch. (Like Samuel, Jessica, and Ali. Ted, Brittany, and Monica) Thank you for people from Dylan’s world, who came into mine, and never left. Thank you to every single soul, who shares their heart with me, because I love that you trust me enough that you don’t want to feel alone. Thank you all, who read this, and smile at this, and take even one sentence from this. Life is good ya’ll. Life is good.