You wanna know why I fail at things? Because I’m not held accountable. Whether it’s in the gym, in my friendships, or me saying that I’m not Doordashing my dinner more than twice a week. I don’t hold myself accountable for the actions that I take on a day to day basis. I live in the “tomorrow, I’ll start…” or “I’ll wait until Monday” mindset, and it burned a lot of my brain, the last few months. I gained about twenty pounds, and lost a lot of self confidence. I ignored all of my texts from my friends. I ate out every single day. I spent money like it was going out of style. I created bad habits, and now I’m a cliche Ed Sheeran song.
But, what I told my boyfriend, and what I’ve told him for years, is that it’s never too late to start living the life you want.
So, here I am, throwing accountability at a wall, hoping it sticks. But in reality, I’ve gotten on this blog (or Jen Salisbury) for years, with all these plans of action. All of these plans of things I’m going to do, and never actually following up the plans of action with any action…
Well, I’m in a new decade, and personally, at 30- you need to get your shit together.
So today’s blog is for my best friends, Chelsie & Jess, as well as the other people I ignore on a daily basis.
Chelsie and Jess are my longest best friends. Chelsie & I are twelve years deep, and Jess & I are hitting three and a half years. Yet, I cultivate these friendships as much as I cultivate the live plants in my house. Essentially, I’m letting my friendships die. But, that’s not to say I’m isolating myself. I talk to Angie, Mack, Paige & Mae every single day… So, why do I ignore my longest best friends? I guess part of it is fear of judgement and the other part is my “lack of success”…
Chelsie is super married, super fit, super together. Jess is about to be super married, with a brand new house, and one million hours of work a week. They have their lives together, and I sit on my side of the street yelling about going broke or being not skinny or struggling… They know everything, every side of the heartbreak I experienced, and they don’t like it. It’s their job to protect me. It’s their job to talk me through things. It’s their job to hear me complain and offer advice, and care about me. But it’s not their job to like my boyfriend, and support my decision to work through essentially me welcoming back a man who hurt me, with open arms. They don’t understand it, they shouldn’t understand it.
They also don’t look into Mack’s eyes when he’s laughing. They don’t see how proud he is to make me dinner. They don’t see how he lays on the floor, and has full conversations with my ten pound dog. They only know the dirty, messy, sneaky parts of Mack’s life. Because when my heartbreak was running over, I had no where to turn. You all have friends like me. I know you do.
And so, part of me distanced myself in the hopes that they wouldn’t notice a difference. If I just don’t tell them, they won’t know, and won’t care, right? Wrong. These are my people, and they both have been like “I know literally nothing about you anymore”. They’re right. They don’t know the little things, because I stopped telling them things. I am not mad, and we’re not fighting, but I put this invisible barrier up to protect myself from not measuring up to them. And as far as Mack, everything they were saying to me was LOGICAL, but it didn’t feel right in my case. All those times they told me to walk away, or listed out red flags, and went in circles with me, was exactly what they were supposed to do… But my insides didn’t feel saved. It was like, even all the support wasn’t solving the fact that my whole body knew Mack was my person.
And, so, in the next thirty blogs, just as this one-I’m taking accountability for these things I’ve done that hurt myself and the people in my circle. I need to solve them. Chelsie and Jessica- I am so sorry. I am sorry for distancing myself, instead of facing my choices. I should have shared every moment of sunshine the last few weeks, and instead I retreated. You are my best friends, and I love you, and I’ll love you forever. I promise you, I will be better!
Surviving Thirty- #1: Take accountability when YOU are the shitty friend.
As for everyone else I ignore, I’ll also attempt to be better. To be honest, I’ve created this bubble where I read the text and then go back onto TikTok, and at that point I forget and three days later I will respond. Sometimes I just suck.
Until next time…