Now That We Survived Retrograde…

The weeks leading up to retrograde, and retrograde itself, really started my 30th year of existence off as *not fun*. I took a 30th birthday trip to Miami, as a gift from my best friends, and spent two days eating lunchables because I couldn’t afford food. I have gained about fifteen pounds in the last month. I have reactivated a back injury, because of the weight gain and lack of good sleep, because who can sleep lately? I fell off a curb while door dashing and sprained both ankles. I got pulled over because my plates are still expired, but I still don’t have my title, because USPS still says my address doesn’t exist. Life has been repeatedly beating the shit out of me. I posted another retrograde blog, where I share more of my hot mess express that is my life…

There’s this deep soul burning, where I know I’m happy, but I’m not happy. As if, things are good, but things are bothering me, so those things are dragging me down lower and lower. Then, let’s add the seasonal depression making it’s way in, and I’ve been struggling.

It’s hard to explain.

I actually took Sunday to have my first like “self care” day in months. Mack even commented on it, saying that I should do this every week. He’s been so supportive of every week I wake up feeling the same dread for the world. He knows that my happiness with myself has fallen off, and he tries so hard to remind me every single day of why my life is good, and the reasons he loves me. I’m really thankful for him recently. He’s filled the role of partner, amazingly. There’s been no hesitation to say “so what? You aren’t 20 anymore” when I complain about my weight, and then follow it up with “whenever you’re ready, we’ll go back to the gym together” Or the “money always comes” when I complain about my bank account. The support is *chefs kiss*.

During my “self care day”, I took the time to re-open my calendar, make plans for my work week, think about what I want to do at the gym when I return November 1st. I want to go back to the gym so bad, and I know I need to properly heal, but I want to be back to being motivated. I got my budget together, and made plans for what I’ll Doordash for extra money. I talked to my doctor about how I feel, and she suggested a new medicine. I’m ready to stop feeling like this.

Last week, I wasn’t ready. I was wallowing for weeks in my sadness, just letting my weight make my body sore, letting my bank account sit there, and not motivating myself at all to take control. It’s hard sometimes, when mental health tells you that you should just kinda “exist” instead of “be present”.

Retrograde ended October 18th, and life didn’t turn into butterflies and rainbows immediately after. Life’s been tough, and now it’s time for me to take control of it. I challenge any of you who let the world knock you down, to knock it back. We only need to stay down if we want to, and if it benefits us. If it’s not, it’s time to motivate ourselves to get back to our best.

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