Thirty Blogs About Surviving Thirty (#4)

You’ve seen my numerous blogs lately, in which I’ve explained the shit show that has been my life. If it could go wrong, it was. I’d blame it on everything, even myself, but not realized the real reason things were getting so low for me. This week, I realized it while I was door dashing. Things had started looking up, my motivation had returned, people were being nice to me, and it was like a mirror, because I’d been being nice to me. In the middle of an order, my brain went on a tangent about how I spent was too much time chasing this old version of myself, that I was not anymore. I’d put myself in this box, and I wasn’t living up to it, so I was just simply giving up on myself.

I think we all have this box, for ourselves. It’s the version of ourselves that we love the most. We were at our best, all around. If the version of yourself that you currently are, is the most loved by you, you are probably thriving here in 2021. Bu if it’s not, you’re maybe struggling, chasing a version of you that you aren’t right now, and you’re upset.

You see, my “box” is me at like 22. I was looking the best, I had so many friends, work was easy and I made so much money, college was easy, I had the coolest internship, and I had everything in my life together. Balance was central, and I was doing pretty much spectacular in every aspect of my life. That version of me was great for years. The day I moved out of my parent’s home, I’d completely changed my life, then and there, and have been “chasing” the box since.

It’s like this little thing in the back of your head that says “you can be skinnier, you can have more money, you can be more successful, because you were before!!!” You really get down on yourself, because you realize that the little voice is right… But, there are things that little voice forgets to mention…

Like, my voice says “you were so much more fit at 22, and you lost yourself”. At 22, the weight had pretty much fallen off of me, over 100 pounds actually. I had two-a-days at the gym. I worked with kids and was on my feet constantly. There were days when I spent three hours at the gym, in between work shifts. Thirty year old me could not even imagine it. I walk maybe 1,000 steps a day right now. I am way too tired to do three hours of cardio. Should I be doing more? Surely, but my schedule and body would not respond the same way to three hours in the gym in my 22 year old body did.

My voice loves to point out those things, as if I’m still living at home with my parents, have no bills, have no back pains (cause I’m 30 and OLD now), have friends I see everyday (as if we’re all still orking part time jobs), on top of those two jobs being so easy cause I don’t need a salary, and I still had time to make trip to the gym, AND still live my best life? It’s just not reality now, and instead of chasing this “box” version of myself, maybe I open my box a little bit.

Maybe instead of having unrealistic expectations based on a past “Jen”, I think about what changes the current Jen can make, to be the “new box Jen” all the time. I can change my habits to start feeling like a better me, without having to strive to be the past me. Sometimes, the biggest problem isn’t society and comparing yourself to others. The problem is when you compare you, to you, and don’t feel like you measure up.

I think we can all agree that if we spent less time trying to chase the “box”, and instead build ourselves into a new box filled with the best parts of who we are now, we could see ourselves a little bit differently. Join me, let’s try it.

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